I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

I've been called many things, but never an intellectual.

Here's a rule I recommend. Never practice two vices at once.

Let's not quibble! I'm the foe of moderation, the champion of excess. If I may lift a line from a die-hard whose identity is lost in the shuffle, "I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right."

It's one of the tragic ironies of the theatre that only one man in it can count on steady work --the night watchman.